As the days pass by, I cannot think of what October 3rd will be like. I try my very best to cherish these moments the Lord has so blessed me with my lil Ava. Three months. How it seems so short yet long. I could complain, and sometimes I do in my mind, about how I wish I could stay home or delay going back to work a bit longer. I’m constantly to and fro thinking of the good, the bad, and the what ifs.
The good: I got someONE real cute to come home to and be excited about. I mean, I was always excited to come home but it has escalated since the addition. I didn’t think I would be all sappy and emotional about a baby – but I am! Shocking. How does one life change you so much? I keep thinking I’ll get to have holidays off and winter breaks off – not a lot of other mommies get that opportunity. It will be okay. I will do my best at work and come home to enjoy the family. The Lord is faithful and He will provide. This is a short season of battling things that were unseen and He’s merciful to see me through it.
The bad/what ifs: School demands are so stressful. The meetings: parent meetings, team grade meetings, RTI meetings, staff meetings…and let’s not leave off training days. Geez! Then the slew of questions: what if I run out of milk, forget a pump part, cannot pump, will not be able to get all my work done before I head home? Why can’t I have a less strenuous job? What if I could get a part time job somewhere less stressful, where I would be able to clock in and out with not a worry about parents, kids, lesson plans, paperwork, etc.? Will I be too tired to enjoy time with the family? Will I get enough sleep? Will I be able to do all of what I’m suppose to as wife, mom, and teacher?
Sigh. Tis the life in my head these days. As my wise husband would tell me, “A thankful heart keeps offense at bay.” So, these days that I get with the lil one – I thank every moment of it. When she cries, when she laughs – especially when she laughs, and try not to think of October 3rd. Try not to think of what life could be like if we were somewhere else or had some other job. Lord, give me grace as I know I’ll need Your strength to get through this season. Be with me as I know You are my rock. Let me not fear man but fear You. Your ways are not our ways. You are with me, always. I put my trust and faith in You. Pray for me, I’m a wreck and some days it’s a fender bender, other days it’s a total blindsided hit.